A good fifty or so feet away. My eyes were burning, just staring at him. He was so calm and sort of childish, doing the poses the medtech guy (or shoud I say gay) told them to do. A simple smile playing on his lips, I felt my heart hammering. His eyes, dark under his blue billabong cap, were moving swiftly, I didn't even know if he looked at my way or not. I then sigh heavily. Why am I feeling this way? Hurt, down, ignored, awkward, and most of all, like piece of crap. I knew I did something. Something bad. Something...wrong. And it was enough to make him keep his distance.

I am such a mean person. And the worst part is, I don't even know what my mistake was. Stupid! It was enough to make me slap my face a few thousand times. Then, I grip my hair and do a crazy Sisa on myself. Gawd. I don't know what to think anymore. It actually hurts because we were really good friends. He never fails to say "hi" to me when we see each other, we talk and chat a lot, and he's really nice. He was a good friend. But now, I can't even look at his face when we cross paths. I can't say a simple "hi" or even wave at him. Sometimes, I don't want to hang out with my friends who're his classmates anymore. It's all so...awkward now. I don't even know why. That's what sucks the most. And it all hurts, soO much. I don't know. There are even times when I just stare at space, my mind empty. I'm becoming so messed up. All because of him. Then, when I see him, I grow quiet, and frown, and sigh. Even sometimes, tears threaten to fall. For a friend. One friend. The friend I knew for only about 4 months. So why should I bother, right? I don't really know him as well as I know my other close friends. But, he's a friend. I may not know him that well yet, but he's still a friend. THAT should count for something. I mean, nobody wants their friendship with someone to be wasted over something stupid and senseless, right? At least I don't want that. I don't want that to happen - again.

Crap. I just feel...tortured. He's torturing me in my mind and heart and every part of my body. He's pulling me down and under. He's hurting me. It's the first time a guy friend has made me feel this way. Just a friend. Yet he has this effect on me.

And he doesn't even know it. He doesn't have a clue. He doesn't even see it. And...I doubt he even cares, even just a bit. How sad.

If only he can see how sorry I am.

I just recently found out some "shocking revelations" about my crushes at this time. And since I am soOoOo pissed off right now, not to mention disappointed and devastated, I'm going to post this insane and utterly stupid ranting of mine for all of you to see. i just needed to let this out.

Okay. So, here's the deal. My crush, who's also my friend (Billabong), drinks. He drank a bottle of RH in front of me. Just because. Out of the 5 of us, he was the only one drinking. And also, a while ago, I saw my other crush, the one whom I was introduced to TWICE but until now we're still not friends (taifung), smoking. In school. A freakin' cigarette. Oh, and my ex (you all know who he is) is currently OSY. Out of school youth. As in he quit nursing and now he has to wait for one whole semester and summer to pass by before he goes to school again.

ARGH.

I didn't really expect that. Seriously. So it was just one bottle of RH. What's wrong with that? Well, drinking, especially when people drink for no special reason at all, is sort of a turn-off. For me, at least. I drink as less as I can, and only when there's an occasion. But smoking's NEVER cool for me. I never really liked people who smoke. Never. And education's important. I mean, one of the reasons why we broke up was because we needed to be serious with our studies, given that nursing sort of hard, and its not his first choice (meaning he was just forced to take it up). And now he quit? Wtf?? What was the purpose of our break-up, anyway?

And thus, it sucks. Reeeeeeeeeaally sucks. I am totally screwed up. Kill me. I mean, I never really thought they were those kinds of people. But, I guess you get this big a shock when you expect too much from people, especially if you hold them with special regard. I shouldn't have expected too much. I shouldn't have judged them when I still didn't know them that well. I shouldn't have put and/or looked for my expectations in them. I mean, I like them. So much. But I sort of just blinded myself that they were the guys I wanted them to be. Like my ideal guy. I wanted them to be my "ideal guy" per say, so much that I took the risk of lying to myself that they were like this and not that. And when they show their real selves to me... BANG. Just like that.

So, for a short while I can blame me. I guess I can never change the fact that they're like that. I can never dictate how they live their lives. But, it's just so... Argh. I can't explain it. I just... I didn't like it. It makes me... I don't know. I just feel so heavy right now. Bummed. Stressed. And positively burned out. Like all the force of gravity is pulling my soul down and down, bringing my internal oragans while at it. I just don't know. I can't think straight. I can't speak my mind. It's still all a shock to me. WaAaAah. Turn-off. Huhu.

If all else fails, eat ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.

HmMm. Too bad it's not double dutch, though.

"hi my love!!
i love you!
do you love me too?"

"baby yes i love you
no one can take away my love for you
biskan unsaon pana nila pag pa consensya nko!
"you're my only "ONE""

Who knew that in time these words wouldn't mean something, at least, to one person? Just like Nathan Scott telling Haley James that "he could love her forever" but after some time asks for a divorce... I mean, what's up with that? Did he, like, have amnesia or something? But I guess that's all there is. They took the risk of marrying young, then jealousy comes into the picture and ruins the near-perfect lives of hormonal and emotional married teenagers. The love just seems so...wasted. I, for one, would not want to waste love...but I guess I already had.

I don't know what got into me, writing this stuff for all the world to see... I guess I'm really crazy. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Either way, this doesn't change everything. I just feel so chained, so locked up, so...tight. And empty. And I guess I needed to let this out. Since now that my cousin and I are fighting (big shocker there), there's no one else to talk to...except,of course, for God, and for myself (man, I AM crazy). So, here I am, swallowing my pride and writing like crazy. I just needed to let this out my chest. I haven't been breathing right these past few...months, I guess. And I'm ready to risk this. I've got nothing to lose, or to hide, right?

I think almost everybody knows who I'm talking about. And I miss him. There. I said it. I miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss seeing him, I miss hearing him laugh, I miss everything about him. And I miss my old self, too. The girl who I was when I knew him. I miss me smiling and not crying, I miss me...being me. You know how you're surrounded by people pretending to be someone they're not, but when you're with a special someone, you're the person you want to be? Okay, quoted that from A Cinderella Story, but that's besides the point. What i'm trying to say is that when I'm with him, I can do anything. I can be ME. And lately I haven't been me. And that sucks. Big time.

Sometimes fantasy's better than reality. Again quoted from A Cinderella Story. But nothing can compare to the feeling of happiness and love and sacrifice you feel in real life, no matter how great the fantasy is. It's just a fantasy, right? Though you'd rather daydream and forget all your problems, sometimes you just want to knock yourself on the head, wake up, and do something. Something worthwhile. Something real. Because you've got nothing to lose.